How to Talk to a Child who is Being a Bully

When confronted with evidence of being a bully, your child or student may respond “I wasn’t being a bully, we were having a fight.”  When faced with this justification, here are some questions you may ask your child to elicit a discussion of what it means to be a bully.  We believe that in this situation yelling at your child or punishing them in some other manner is not helpful.  Children are inherently kind.  Help your child see what it means to be unkind. 

1.  What were you fighting over?
2. Was it a fair fight?  If it was a physical fight, do you out-weigh, or are you older than the other child?  If it was a verbal fight, was it fair?  Were you saying mean things just to be mean?
3. What did you want the outcome to be?  What did you expect to happen? What actually happened instead?
4. Looking back on it, was it really a fight, or were you being a bully?
5. What can you do differently next time to change the outcome of the situation?
6. If you were being a bully, how can you make amends to the child you bullied?  Can you offer an apology?  Can you sit next to them at lunch tomorrow?  Can you smile and say hi?  Can you walk with them to school?  For younger children, can you arrange a play date?  What can you do to make up for being a bully?

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Things Not to Say if Your Child is Being Bullied

If your child is being bullied, your first instinct may be to make light of it, in order to help your child or student feel better.  Do not do this.  The most important thing you can do is listen, until you have the whole story – or as much of the story as you are going to get.  After listening, you and your child can decide together on an appropriate course of action. 

Parents make common miss-steps when they say:

• Don’t be so sensitive
• You take things way to personally
• Be a man
• Be a big girl
• Big boys don’t cry
• Stand up for yourself
• Hit him (or her) back
• You’re blowing this out of proportion
• Don’t be such a baby

As good as your intentions are, these phrases discount your child’s story, and may prevent your child from coming to you in the future.  Listen.  If your child believes he or she is being bullied, it is important.  Attempting to make light of it is not going to lighten their load, and will often have the opposite affect.

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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Steps for Taking Care of Bullying

Last night we did a parent program for Holy Trinity Catholic School in Lenexa, Kansas. The school asked us ahead of time to specifically focus on bullying. Throughout the evening we felt the heartfelt concern of the gathered parents, teachers, and community. From a personal standpoint, our children are grown, but as grandparents of seven, how can we help them stop bullying? 

The most important thing we can do, is to always speak from our hearts and say take care. Take care of each other.  Take care of how you speak to yourself and to others. We are all in this together, and we are all related.

1. Take care of your child’s behavior and reaction.  Ask your child directly if he or she is being bullied – or if he or she is bullying another child. Be careful how you speak to them. Don’t accuse them or use a confrontational tone. Be open and come from your heart.

school program

2. Take care of communication.  Be in constant communication with your child’s school.  Tell them your concern, and your child’s perception of what is happening.  Don’t blame anybody for what is happening, but be very clear that your child being bullied, or bullying another child, will not be tolerated.

3. Take care of your child’s self-esteem.  Hold them, nurture them, and tell them you love them every day. Tell your child that he or she is a gift to the world.  Help your child feel special.  Help your child make friends.

4. Take care of your own behavior.  In what ways in your own life are you a bully  – to yourself, to others, or to your child?  In what ways are you being bullied – by yourself, by others, by your child? How can you transform that situation in your own life?  One of the world’s greatest peacekeepers, Ghandi, once said, “Be the change in the world you wish to see.”

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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A Quick Response Plan to Bullying

Listen to your child.

Offer your help.

Validate your child by acknowledging their feelings.

Embrace your child with your help, and with your arms.

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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