A Culture of Bullying: Digging a Little Deeper

We have spent quite a bit of time this month researching and blogging about bullying. We have come to the conclusion that as a culture if we all dig a little deeper into our own lives, we could lessen the problem of bullying greatly.

Children live what they are taught.  What is it about our culture that is creating an atmosphere of bullying and emotional and physical abuse in our schools?  There are many complicated answers to this question.  As adults, if we start doing what we tell our children to do, and stop doing what we tell our children not to do we will be a kinder nation.  Think about it:

• Where do you put your free-time energy?  Do you support through your viewership the sitcoms that zing the one-line insults back and forth like candy?  Why is it ok and sanctioned to hear other people insulted as entertainment with a laugh track?  Do you support violent dramas and movies?  Do you listen to music that is disrespectful and violent?
• How do you handle yourself in your personal life?  Do you gossip about other people?  Do you talk about people behind their backs instead of productive mediation and problem-solving?  If you do, you’re not alone.  Most of us do, to one extent or another.
• When you have a disagreement with your friends, collegues, partner, or children, do you fight fair?  Do you say hurtful and mean things to get the upper hand on the situation?   Again, you’re not alone, we have all done it at some point in our lives.
• When your adult friends are engaging in what we would define as bullying behavior for children, how do you react?  Do you ignore it, or do you stand up and try to do something about it.   It is ok to create a No Bullying Zone in your own life.
• Lastly, and most importantly, are you a bully to yourself?  How we treat ourselves is often times how we treat other people.  Learn to be kind, and gentle, and loving with yourself, and let that spill out to all you meet.

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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Physical Effects of Bullying

When we’re conducting staff development programs or parent programs at schools, one point that we stress is:

Bullying is not a rite of passage, and should not be blown off as a “boys will be boys” or “kids will be kids” situation.  Bullying is not ok, and chronic bullying can have serious short-term and long-term physical and emotional affects including: 

• Skin disorders, such as acne in high school students
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Overeating or loss of appetite
• Panic Attacks
• Loss of sleep or sleeping too much
• Stomach aches
• Chest pains
• Headaches
• More colds and viruses
• Suicidal thoughts
• Aggression
• Long-term Social Isolation

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Targets of Bullying

In our Native culture, we teach our children that diversity is to be honored and revered.  Just as there are no two stars exactly alike in the universe, there are no two children exactly alike on Earth.  It is so important to honor and respect each others’ differences.

We have found in our public and private elementary, middle, and high schools that diversity is something that is not typically honored by the school children.  Any child who displays a perceived difference from the norm is a likely target of bullying.  Parents and teachers, your child or student is especially vulnerable to bullying if they display any of the following characteristics:

• Obesity
• Speech impediments, or irregular speech patterns
• Racial difference from the norm at the school
• Developmental, emotional, or behavioral disability- please be aware that autistic children are especially vulnerable
• Physical disability – particularly when involving crutches, braces, or a wheelchair
• Low – or lower than the norm – socio-economic status
• Elementary school and middle school girls who physically mature earlier than most of their peers
• Elementary school and middle school boys who physically mature later than most of their peers

Parents and teachers, tell your children consistently that they are gifts to the world,  Tell them they are bright and shining stars.  If you have a child in your life with one or more of the characteristics above, please take special care in fostering the child’s self-esteem, and making sure that they are safe at school and at home.

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Bullying and Native American Children on Reservations

Several times a year we return to Robert’s homeland in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan.  Besides Mom, we still have many aunts, uncles, and cousins living on the rez.  We also travel to many other nations throughout Indian Country, and we would be remise to talk about bullying without taking the time to recognize the special issues faced by Native children who live on reservations across this great nation.  

On some reservations in the United States, the conditions are equivalant to the quality of life in a 3rd world country.  If you are like most middle-class Americans, you probably were not aware of this. Risk factors that trigger bullying are often higher on the reservation.  These children may face:

• Stereotypes and misconceptions of what it means to be Native American, and inherent bullying by the predominant culture
• Generational poverty
• Generational alcoholism and drug addiction
• Poor nutrition and diet
• Substandard and Inadequate housing
• Family structures that are not intact

And the list goes on… As human beings, we need to recognize the differences that we all have, and respect each others’ cultures and beliefs. It is only through this respect that people will find their inherent dignity.

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How to Talk to a Child who is Being a Bully

When confronted with evidence of being a bully, your child or student may respond “I wasn’t being a bully, we were having a fight.”  When faced with this justification, here are some questions you may ask your child to elicit a discussion of what it means to be a bully.  We believe that in this situation yelling at your child or punishing them in some other manner is not helpful.  Children are inherently kind.  Help your child see what it means to be unkind. 

1.  What were you fighting over?
2. Was it a fair fight?  If it was a physical fight, do you out-weigh, or are you older than the other child?  If it was a verbal fight, was it fair?  Were you saying mean things just to be mean?
3. What did you want the outcome to be?  What did you expect to happen? What actually happened instead?
4. Looking back on it, was it really a fight, or were you being a bully?
5. What can you do differently next time to change the outcome of the situation?
6. If you were being a bully, how can you make amends to the child you bullied?  Can you offer an apology?  Can you sit next to them at lunch tomorrow?  Can you smile and say hi?  Can you walk with them to school?  For younger children, can you arrange a play date?  What can you do to make up for being a bully?

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Things Not to Say if Your Child is Being Bullied

If your child is being bullied, your first instinct may be to make light of it, in order to help your child or student feel better.  Do not do this.  The most important thing you can do is listen, until you have the whole story – or as much of the story as you are going to get.  After listening, you and your child can decide together on an appropriate course of action. 

Parents make common miss-steps when they say:

• Don’t be so sensitive
• You take things way to personally
• Be a man
• Be a big girl
• Big boys don’t cry
• Stand up for yourself
• Hit him (or her) back
• You’re blowing this out of proportion
• Don’t be such a baby

As good as your intentions are, these phrases discount your child’s story, and may prevent your child from coming to you in the future.  Listen.  If your child believes he or she is being bullied, it is important.  Attempting to make light of it is not going to lighten their load, and will often have the opposite affect.

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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Steps for Taking Care of Bullying

Last night we did a parent program for Holy Trinity Catholic School in Lenexa, Kansas. The school asked us ahead of time to specifically focus on bullying. Throughout the evening we felt the heartfelt concern of the gathered parents, teachers, and community. From a personal standpoint, our children are grown, but as grandparents of seven, how can we help them stop bullying? 

The most important thing we can do, is to always speak from our hearts and say take care. Take care of each other.  Take care of how you speak to yourself and to others. We are all in this together, and we are all related.

1. Take care of your child’s behavior and reaction.  Ask your child directly if he or she is being bullied – or if he or she is bullying another child. Be careful how you speak to them. Don’t accuse them or use a confrontational tone. Be open and come from your heart.

school program

2. Take care of communication.  Be in constant communication with your child’s school.  Tell them your concern, and your child’s perception of what is happening.  Don’t blame anybody for what is happening, but be very clear that your child being bullied, or bullying another child, will not be tolerated.

3. Take care of your child’s self-esteem.  Hold them, nurture them, and tell them you love them every day. Tell your child that he or she is a gift to the world.  Help your child feel special.  Help your child make friends.

4. Take care of your own behavior.  In what ways in your own life are you a bully  – to yourself, to others, or to your child?  In what ways are you being bullied – by yourself, by others, by your child? How can you transform that situation in your own life?  One of the world’s greatest peacekeepers, Ghandi, once said, “Be the change in the world you wish to see.”

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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A Quick Response Plan to Bullying

Listen to your child.

Offer your help.

Validate your child by acknowledging their feelings.

Embrace your child with your help, and with your arms.

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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Gender Differences in Bullying

 In the 25 years we have been working with schools across the country, we have noticed some key gender differences in bullying behavior.  A couple of weeks ago we watched the movie “Mean Girls”, about a group of high school girls bullying another girl who doesn’t fit in, so they verbally torment her, and generally make her life miserable. Of course the misfit prevails, the mean girls face suitable consequences for their behavior, everybody learns lessons and live somewhat happily ever after. We wish it could be more like that in real life.

Gender Differences in Bullying Behavior

• Girls generally display bullying behavior by lashing out verbally, by creating alliances, by leaving other girls out, by gossiping and spreading rumors, and by engaging in covert behavior.
• Girl bullying is often based on body image, which can often be attributed to poor body images, low self-esteem, and may lead to eating disorders. 
• Boys have more of a “line ‘em up and knock ‘em down” tendency, and display their bullying behavior through physical intimidation.
• When boys engage in bullying behavior, they tend to bully girls as much as boys, while girls tend to bully mostly girls.
• Bullying behavior by boys can easily extend into sexual harassment or abuse, especially at the middle and high school levels.
• Both boy and girl bullying can manifest in racist remarks, especially if the students are poorly schooled on cultural diversity issues.
• In the last ten years, we have noticed a rise in both boy and girl bullying based on homophobic fears and misconceptions.

Both gender varieties of bullying are harmful and insidious in there own ways. As adults, it is so important to tell our children, and especially our girls, that just because they’re not hitting somebody physically, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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5 Powerful Tips to Stop Bullying

school program

We’re gearing up to start our yearly tour of schools around the country. One common issue that schools regularly ask us to address is bullying, and we routinely give teachers, parents, and children powerful tips to stop bullying.

According to the National Violence Prevention Resource Center (www.safeyouth.org) over 30% of all students are affected by bullying, either as the bully – the one who is inflicting emotional or physical harm on another; or the person being bullied – the victim of harm.  This statistic does not begin to address the 70% of students who consider themselves bystanders – the students who watch it, and do nothing about it.

From a Native perspective, this saddens us deeply.  Traditionally, our culture is based on a foundation of cooperation and respect. When confronted by bullies, or when acting like bullies, we always encouraged our children to find their power within and use it to make the world a better place, not to act from a place of fear or aggression.

5 Powerful Tips to Share with your Children to Stop Bullying

Teach your children:

1. Bullying is not OK.  Bullying is not genetic, in other words you are not born with it in your DNA.  Bullying is not relative to race, culture, or gender, and is a behavior usually taught by someone you love or trust. Bullying is not a right of passage, and is not tolerable under any circumstances.

2. Stop.  Walk away.  Do not participate if a friend or group of friends are bullying another student.  When you’re feeling angry and mean, think about what you’re doing and stop.  Take a deep breath, and count to three.

3.  Be a friend.  Offer yourself as a friend to a student who is being bullied with a smile or kind word. Everybody is special and unique. Find out what makes the student being bullied special.

4.  Be brave.  If you are very brave, and feel safe, you can tell the bully to stop.  You have that right.

5.  Ask for help. Go to a trusted adult if you see another student being bullied.

Teach your children that they are powerful beings, and to use their power to respond to bullying in a positive way.

Gakina-awiiya (We Are All Related),

Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree
www.thetalltrees.com

“Teach us love, compassion and honor…that we may heal the Earth, and heal each other.”   – Ojibwe prayer

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